Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
