I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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