I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
