Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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