I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Your cock deserves a montage
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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