We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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