Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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