is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
