call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
