I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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