Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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