i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
