Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
