I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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