they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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