I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
