Umm I'm too high to move.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
