We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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