mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
