I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
