We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
