i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
