I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Randomize
