So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
