he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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