mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
