I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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