why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
