i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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