if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
