I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
