My sheets look like a crime scene.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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