dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
