I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My vagina is officially offended.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
