His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
