Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
