my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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