WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
