I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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