Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
We smell like vodka and hangover
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