You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
