You just made me feel so damn special
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
