you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Congratulations! We have a period
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