Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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