Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
