Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
