he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
