You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
When are your genitals available?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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