It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
