a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
