I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
