Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Randomize
