Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
should my penis look like a turkey
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Randomize
