Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
